Wandering through a forest of blogs, I found this entry from several years ago. The writer is an opera singer who is married to an opera singer, and discusses an important issue.

After indulging in our addictions at our favorite ice cream joint, my two girlfriends and I got to talking. One of them had just returned from the Classical Singer Convention in Pennsylvania, where one the topics discussed was couples in the business. Why aren't there more opportunities for people in their home towns, so that they can have a little stability? Wouldn't it be great if more companies would practice the hiring of people's partners? Apparently there is one company in New Mexico that does just that.

But, seriously, at some point a lot of performers leave the business to spend time with their families. Ultimately, which is more important: reaching the top alone, or making it to base camp three with good company? I understand that love and relationships are not priorities for everyone. But what if you are already waist deep in the thick of it? How do we balance our two loves to achieve success in both?

B.V., Soprano

Dear B.V.:

The following are a few of the realities that have existed since opera began:

• Opera managers probably don't care if any two singers in a production are married, lovers, or even know each other, unless they have a reason that makes sense to them. When good singers give them good reasons to hire couples who both sing well, they are likely to appreciate it.
• Opera managers tend to hire singers:
  • Who will show up no matter what and do the job.
  • Whose performance will convince the audience that the manager made a brilliant choice.
• People modify their goals periodically throughout their lives, and not always because of perceived failures, or as grand sacrifices for love or children.
• People also modify their careers in order to match their goals.
• Most of your goals and priorities will evolve and change over the years. You don't need to make apologies for it if your friends would have preferred your earlier goals.
• The individuals in a couple will grow and evolve. By sharing goals and with some serious snuggling and talking, the two of you can grow compatibly even if in slightly or greatly different directions.

All people who are serious about their careers have to confront the conflicts between family and career, whether or not they are performers, and whether or not they are men or women. It's been done. Learn what strategies worked for them, and from those strategies, adapt and create your own.

There are people who will tell you that you simply cannot be a parent (or married, or short, or black, or whatever) and have a serious career. Some will tell you that if you haven't "made it" by 40, your career will never amount to anything. Bullpucky!

If you and your partner have comprehensive goals that excite you both, you will tend to achieve them, no matter what they are. There are some exceptions, but when you are starting out, ignore suspected exceptions.

Except this exception: If you want to be a "star" and be the "best in the world," then I would suggest you quit now. There is no such thing as a star. The people that some would consider to be "stars" are really only working artists who consistently give world-class performances and probably also have good publicists on their team.

If what you want to do is to consistently sing beautifully, share wonderful music with your audiences, touch their lives with your voice in a meaningful way, and make a good living while you joyfully grow old together, then this kind of thing is very possible, if... Your task is to do the research to find an end to the previous sentence that works for you.

In my seminar, The Performing Mind™, I go into more detail about how to set goals and deal with the inevitable conflicts between goals over time, how goals create tendencies, and how to use goals and objectives to evaluate your progress.

On a personal note, once upon a time my sweetheart and I told each other we wanted to grow old together. We've now been married for more than 40 years, and not only do her kisses still curl my toes, but she still gives me "that smile" when I sing to her.

I wish for you and your husband the absolute best that music and love have to offer.

- Michael Kysar

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